Staying connected when emotions run high

I was at a work function the other day. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed someone I really didn’t want to talk to. “Safety in a crowd” I told myself. A little while later I turned around and - there he was, right in front of me.

Person: “Can we chat?”

Me: “Ok”. I take a step back. They take a step towards me.

Me: I raise my arms, like a barrier in front of me. “I am ok to talk, but you are too close”.

I googled the expression “emotions run high” and AI tells me that people’s feelings are running high when they are very angry, concerned or excited. The partial conversation I have just shared may not have indicated to you that my emotions were running high. But believe me, they were. I carry a huge amount of disappointment, hurt and anger from how they treated me in the past. Not that it burdens me on a daily basis - but I do get triggered from time to time.

I’ve noticed that when my emotions run high, I distance myself. Which is why I thought I would be invisible in a crowd.

Distancing isn’t the only option when emotions are running high. I could have tackled the person head-on over their past treatment of me. Or I could have pretended there wasn’t a problem. Or I could try to appease the situation: “it’s not you, it’s me”. Each of these reactions represents the flight, fight, freeze or fawn reactive responses. For me - I tend to be a flight risk.

It’s interesting to think about the impact of our flight, fight, freeze or fawn responses on our connection with the other party involved. When we respond in any of these ways, we stop engaging. Even if we are communicating words (say with the fight response) that’s very different from both parties sharing their thinking and inviting feedback.

How do I relate to someone when all I see is the disappointment, hurt and anger between us? In other words, how do I stay connected when emotions run high?

The place to start I think has to do with why I want to stay connected in the first place - to do something other than just distancing. And that comes down to my personal values. Here are 3 values that are important to me:

• kindness (being generous and considerate of others)
• integrity (taking a stand on what matters)
• courage (taking action in the face of risk)

Hiding in the crowd and avoiding contact short-changes me of an opportunity to live in sync with all my personal values.

Here’s what I mean. In the conversation I had with the person, they went on to say how something I had done had been really helpful to them. I thanked them for sharing that with me - and I genuinely meant it. I walked away and thought: “Well that was good but still it would be nice if they apologised for how they treated me in the past. I wish I had brought that to their attention. Not in a “I-demand-an-apology-kind-of-way” but rather being clear that there were still unresolved issues”. So at that moment I didn’t do so well when it came to my personal values of integrity and courage.

My personal values push me towards connection. But what if how one defines one’s personal values doesn’t push in that direction? It’s an interesting hypothetical question.

I know for me personally that as a follower of Jesus, my personal values will always push towards connection because of absolute values Jesus asks of all his followers, like: “love your neighbour as yourself” (Luke 10:27). When we are reactive, we don’t do our best and clearest thinking around what’s in the best interests of the other person. Reactive responses like distancing are self-protective. (Note: where we thoughtfully distance temporarily in order to have the space we need to do our best clear thinking - that’s different).

I’m thankful for the absolute values Jesus asks of me. They help shape and inform my personal values. They help me to know what kindness, integrity and courage should look like in this context. They are my compass for what “good” looks like. While the concept of absolute values might sound constraining, it actually isn’t. It’s freeing to live in a way I have been designed to live.

Not that these absolute values are easy, by any means. I’m also thankful for the help Jesus provides. Jesus is changing me, cutting through my self-protection, and helping me to love in ways that are both beautiful and costly, just as his love is for me.

So how do I stay connected when emotions run high?

I think it’s about being aware of the lens I have as I look at a situation. If the lens is the problem, then it will be tempting to respond in reactive ways like distancing. If the lens is my values then I can acknowledge the problem, but also have capacity to respond in more thoughtful ways.

Reflecting on that conversation, I am thankful that I was able to stay and attempt to engage instead of running away. That I was able to maintain a clear physical boundary when the person got too close. That they had been able to share some of their thoughts. That I could be genuinely pleased for them that something I had done they had found helpful. It goes to show that I didn’t just have the problem lens in.

But if I had my values lens in, I would have turned up to that work function completely differently. Knowing there was a high probability I would see the person and perhaps interact with them, I would have prepared for a potential conversation - what I could say, calmly, to indicate there are still unresolved issues between us. That would have helped with the integrity and courage piece.

It’s not easy to stay connected when our emotions run high. Thinking about my values has been helpful in slowing my thinking down. Acting more from a place of what is important to me rather than instinctively responding to those high emotions.

Questions

1. Can you think of a recent example where your emotions ran high in a relationship context. Where you found yourself very angry, concerned or … .
2. If your emotions are still running high, what could you do to calm yourself down?
3. Going back to the example, what did you do in response to those emotions running high? Did you react in a way that was a flight, fight, freeze or fawn response?
4. In considering that example, is it important to you to stay connected?
5. How did your personal values play out in that example? Were there some things that are important to you that you sacrificed?
6. If you could relive the situation again, what could staying connected look like?