Secrets of the heart, revealed
The hacker group Impact Team have released details of over 37 million users of online dating site Ashley Madison. If you haven't heard of Ashley Madison, it is a site notorious for encouraging married people to have affairs, under the byline "Life is short. Have an affair".
Life is short. Have an affair.
Life is short, but is having an affair any sort of solution?
If you have any doubt about the destructive effects of having an affair, It's worth listening to this radio segment where a woman learns her spouse was registered with the website. The station asked people to call in if they had concerns about their partners, and "Jo" described her husband's recent change in behaviour, and how he reacted oddly when he heard news of the Ashley Madison leak. "Jo" ended the phone call abruptly with an angry outburst after being told her husband's name was among those listed with Ashley Madison accounts.
We have to be careful how we react to this incident: we don't know the woman's identity, whether her husband was in fact having an affair, or even if the whole thing was a set-up. But this incident shows we have a problem with trust. And, ultimately, a problem with justice.
Who can you trust?
We all have an issue with trust, and it's not just those using the Ashley Madison site. It's not just women who discover their husband is cheating. It's all of us.
We are all wired to seek significant and meaningful relationships. It's hard to even call an interaction between two people a 'relationship' if there's not mutual trust. Indeed, while the current discussion about same sex marriage focuses often on 'love', or rather the feeling of love, I'd suggest that without 'trust' no marriage is possible.
So our trust problem is "Who can I trust?". "Jo" thought she could trust her husband, but perhaps she can't. The children of their marriage may not even be able to frame the idea of trust, but they'll be impacted by any breakdown of trust between their parents.
It not just people we have to trust. We need to know we can trust the websites we use. Whether it's our bank or Facebook, we exchange information about ourselves with machines on the web. It not enough that we give our bank our hard-earned cash – we need to trust they can keep it safe.
There is a degree of irony that men and women trusted Ashley Madison, while breaking trust with their marriage partners.
How can trust be restored?
Another problem we have with trust is how to deal with trust that has been broken.
"Jo"'s husband might have a lot of explaining to do! It might take years of mediation and tears to save the marriage. Apparently there are children, so it's not a simple matter of walking away, even if "Jo" wanted. What assurances, what changes in behaviour could "Jo"'s husband make that would convince her he had put this behind him and was now trustworthy?
Her answer might be "Nothing! Never!". Or it might be some form of reconciliation.
Whatever form that reconciliation might take, it will involve forgiveness. If she wants to restore the relationship "Jo" will need to put aside her natural desire for revenge, her desire for her husband to suffer for the wrong he has done her, and be reconciled. And that brings us to the second issue that Ashley Madison raises for us: and oddly that's the issue of justice.
Forgiveness is unjust – in a good way!
Forgiveness is unjust, but unjust in a good way. It's unjust because the person who offers forgiveness has suffered a wrong. It's unjust because the person who suffers a wrong chooses to give up their right to compensation for that wrong.
"Jo" might never forgive her husband. That's just, because he's done her a serious wrong. She has every right to take him to court and divorce him. To tell anyone who will listen what he's done to her.
But she might also forgive him. For the sake of her relationship, for the sake of the children, she might forego her right to justice.
Without some degree of forgiveness, reconciliation is impossible.
What does forgiveness look like?
In our culture, justice and rights are so important to us it's sometimes hard to see what forgiveness looks like. We might simply see "Jo" as a "victim" and perhaps even "stupid" to forgive this man.
Jesus spoke often about forgiveness. Perhaps this example from his life might help us see what forgiveness looks like.
At dawn [Jesus] appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered round him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, ‘Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?’ They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, ‘Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.’ Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, ‘Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?’
‘No one, sir,’ she said.
‘Then neither do I condemn you,’ Jesus declared. ‘Go now and leave your life of sin.’
Jesus not only had a reputation as a Teacher, but also for offering the hand of friendship to people the religious authorities called "sinners". In this situation, the religious leaders wanted to test whether he would do the right thing and want this "sinner" punished according to religious law.
This story tells us a lot about forgiveness.
We all need forgiveness
These men who were seeking the death penalty for this woman walk away empty-handed. They walk away because they understand Jesus' point that we have sinned against God. The Bible teaches consistently in its various books that matters of justice ultimately involve God. That it is God's world and he has a stake in how we treat each other.
We might not have had an affair, or set up an Ashley Madison account, but in our hearts we have probably all entertained thoughts of lust. We are compromised when it comes to matters of justice, because our record is not clean, and our motives are mixed.
Forgiveness is available
In John's account of Jesus, his gospel, he consistently quotes Jesus making claims to be divine. The twist in this story is that God himself is putting aside his own Law to save this woman from the executioners.
It's not just. But as I've already pointed out, forgiveness is not just. Reconciliation values the relationship above the need for compensation.
And that's great news for us who need forgiveness. It shows God is willing put aside his own demand for justice and be reconciled to us.
Forgiveness requires change
Jesus saves this woman's life but doesn't allow her to go away unchanged. He commands her to leave her life of sin. It's possible "Jo" might forgive her husband, but she wouldn't allow him to continue in an affair. No doubt she would demand change.
Jesus offers forgiveness to reconcile us to God, and calls us to live as reconciled people.
Only a righteous judge can offer justice
Jesus observes "has no one condemned you?" after the woman's would-be executioners walk away. When he says "neither do I condemn you" he gives us a hint that he is the woman's judge.
Indeed, in other parts of the Bible, Jesus claims explicitly he will judge the nations with justice.
So how can Jesus be a just judge if he lets this woman go?
The key is Jesus' execution. He saves this woman from execution, but willingly goes to his own. Her sin doesn't go unpunished. She doesn't suffer for her sin, but Jesus does.
He is able to offer both justice and forgiveness.
I started this article by claiming the Ashley Madison affair revealed we had an issue not only with trust, but also with justice. Jesus solves our justice issue by offering forgiveness, giving both perpetrator and victim hope of reconciliation.
But do you trust him?
