Having the courage to live by your values

Our personal values are what’s important to us. They are our settled patterns of behaviour and feeling. They are what a friend would say is driving us if they observed us for a couple of days. When we live in step with what’s important to us, we are energised, liberated and fulfilled. When we don’t - it can be draining and destructive.

Track record

At the beginning of the year I (Bec) did this exercise to help me identify from a list of values which ones resonated with me and what I felt were my top 4. You may have done this exercise too. (If you didn’t, or need a reminder of what I am talking about: values execise.pdf).

I did that exercise but struggled to narrow the list down. I ended up with 8 values that were important to me and I was committed in my mind to actively try and make sure these values guided my year.

How did I fare throughout the year? To be honest, I went through periods where I was conscious of my values and thought about them and other times where I fell into old habits and routines. Does this sound familiar?

Reality check

In writing this piece I have reflected to try to understand why this is the case. This is what I have come up with.

• Maybe the list of 8 that I initially chose were not actually the right ones. After all, if I’ve forgotten about them or de-prioritised them, are they really that important to me?
• I was not accountable to anyone. I thought about these values in my mind but didn’t verbalise them to my friends and family closest to me - the team that can help to hold me accountable. It was all internal.
• I let my work life take priority. I have not been very good at constantly sticking to my commitment of a better work life balance. I had planned that by living a more balanced life I could use the extra time in the morning to do personal development and growth activities. Instead I have slept in, caught up on housework, or just started work at normal times.
• It all seemed a bit hard and overwhelming. I didn’t know where to start to get back on track. I also didn’t have anyone really checking in on my progress and so I didn’t seek out a way to make it work for me.
• I probably lacked the courage to make a serious change - to really understand myself and my values and let these shine through.

Moving forward

So what am I going to do about this?

I am generally a positive person. I tend to spend a little bit of time with my inner critic “berating” or criticising me for poor choices, or for my lack of commitment. Then I will pull a plan together. I will not let my inner critic take control and send me into a tailspin!

So my plan is to review the list of values again and spend time really understanding what these mean to me to identify the ones that I truly feel reflect how I want to live and be seen by others. Whilst I originally thought that my 8 values would be easy to remember to reflect on in different circumstances, I often found myself in those circumstances trying to remember what they were! Once I have narrowed down my list to 4-5 key values I will write these on a post-it note and stick it somewhere so they are readily accessible. Then I can assess work and personal situations against these values and then take some immediate actions to change tact, or perspective.

The next point of action is probably going to take the most courage. It is to talk to those closest to me about my values, what they mean to me and how I want to live my life and treat others with the values at the core.

Courage and vulnerability

So why do I think this will take courage? It is going to mean I need to be vulnerable and open myself up to feedback that may sometimes be hard to hear. I do believe though that opening myself up and being vulnerable will be key for growth and openly living my values.

Why is being vulnerable going to be key for growth? When we are vulnerable, we have opened the gate around our walls of protection. We are showing the outside world we may not have it all under control and that we have insecurities. We are verbalising that we need help, have blind spots and we want to improve on these. It is not an easy thing to do and takes courage to expose ourselves.

Asking for help doesn't come easily to me. I have trouble, and was reflecting with friends on the weekend why this is the case. I think part of it comes down to pride and competence. I want to be seen as someone who has it all under control. Part of it is the pressure that I put on myself from long held ideals that the woman needs to manage the house by having it clean and tidy all the time, the washing under control, and able to provide tasty and nutritious meals for every meal. This is mixed with the modern pressures on women to also have a career, be networking and constantly progressing within her career. This is a lot of pressure I put on myself and I don’t want to be seen as failing by asking for help. One could say that my pride could be holding me back.

Who can I ask for help? I want to ask trusted people who will be honest with me and provide another perspective. I want to approach these conversations with an attitude of wanting to learn and to grow.

There is a risk though, isn’t there? By asking for help to keep me honest to my values I am asking for my friends and family to tell me when I am not behaving in a way that I thought I was. I am opening myself up for what could be a constant critique.

However, because this is a safe environment and I trust these people, then I can be open to their feedback. I have more capacity to set aside my self-protection mode.

Courage, vulnerability and acceptance

Speaking of self-protection, that reminds me (Caro) of a story in the Bible where a woman meets Jesus for the first time and his supernatural knowledge of her dubious life convinced her that Jesus was who he said he was. She goes and tells her townsfolk: “Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Messiah?” (John 4:29)

I find this story intriguing because in her shoes I would have found it incredibly dis-concerting to engage with someone who knew absolutely everything about me! It wasn’t the case for this woman. She must have felt incredibly safe and accepted by Jesus to conquer any fears of exposure she may have had.

And isn’t that what we all want, deep down? To be truly known for who we are and to be unconditionally accepted?

Knowing that I am truly known and accepted by Jesus helps me to be a little more vulnerable with people. It still takes courage because I care what people think. But it is incredibly liberating to know that the one whose opinion ultimately matters the most (Jesus the Messiah/CEO of the universe) has my back.

Courage to live by our values

So in a nutshell, it is going to take courage from me (Bec) to more fully live by my values. I am going to need to really assess what my values are and how I want to live by them. I need to be vulnerable and ask trusted people for help in keeping me accountable for living out these values. Keeping an open mind as I learn more about myself and my values and how these come through to others will put me in the best position to grow.

Q. What personal values have you identified for yourself? If you need a refresher: values execise.pdf

Q. Do you think the values you initially identified for yourself are still the best fit for you, or have your identified others that may be more aligned to you?

Q. How have you gone living a life aligned with your values?

Q. What will it take for you to live a life more aligned to your values?