I was talking with a friend the other day. She has just taken on a new role in her workplace. She knows she needs to speak up more in meetings. She knows she doesn’t because she worries what people think of her.
I thought that the opinions of other people didn’t bother me so much. How wrong I was!
I started thinking about a work context where I am more than happy to contribute my ideas. I began to realise that a lot of that desire is driven by a need to prove why I’m in the room. I worked this out from the way I respond when my shared ideas encounter feedback. I take it way too much to heart. This is because in rejecting my idea, they are also rejecting me.
Both my friend and I have fear of other people’s opinions - it just manifests itself in different ways. In some situations it keeps me talking - while for my friend, it keeps her silent.
Fear of other people’s opinions - or FOPO, is a term coined by high performance psychologist and author Michael Gervais. FOPO is having an unhealthy fixation on what other people think of us. It can be distracting, limiting or even debilitating. It can stop us putting forward new ideas (or in my case, being overly sensitive to the reception of ideas), speaking up in meetings, having difficult conversations, or trying something new.
FOPO traps us into devoting our energy, attention and focus on attempting to manage what other people think of us. Which, when you think about it, is a losing battle because we really can’t control other people’s opinions. And it’s exhausting. As another friend of mine says: “You'll be that puppy dog constantly after the next pat on the head. And that's quite an exhausting way to live, and it's really unpredictable and inconsistent.” Devoting our energy, attention and focus in this way means we are less able to bring our best selves into the room.
So what is the solution? Do we just need to be braver? How do we become braver?
It strikes me that what we need is something to anchor ourselves for those times we can get buffeted by the opinions of others. And it’s best to work out what those anchors are when the waters are calm.
The anchor could be, for example, the opinion of a trusted friend or mentor. That can give us perspective and help us to filter or assess the opinions in the room. Or it could be something we say to ourselves in opinion-threatening situations. For me, I can remind myself that my ideas should be more about the good of others and less about others feeling good about me.
While that thought might anchor me in the moment, it comes because of an even deeper anchor it is attached to. As a follower of Jesus, there should be something even more important to me than the opinions of other people.
“I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after your body has been killed, has authority to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him. Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Luke 12:4-7
Jesus says the only one who should be feared - and rightly feared - is God himself. And yet that fear is from a place of safety and security because of how valuable Jesus’ followers are to God.
I find those words both challenging and comforting. Challenging because I need to fear God more than I fear people. Comforting because I am valuable to God - I matter to him. The way for me to become braver is to fear God more, because then the opinions of others will matter less.
Knowing that my worth comes from God means I am freer to act for the good of others, and so I can bring more of my best self into the room. Sharing my ideas becomes less about wanting others to feel good about me, and more about what is good for others. It then becomes a less opinion-threatening situation. And I can then more thoughtfully and calmly assess the feedback on my ideas.
Discussion Questions
- Have you observed any FOPO behaviours in yourself? For example, staying silent even when you have a good idea, privately road-testing your ideas before sharing them publicly, waiting until everyone else has shared their ideas before you decide to share yours, agreeing with people to avoid conflict, downplaying your strengths, seeking constant validation, managing how others perceive you rather than acting from your values, or not having the hard conversation or giving useful feedback.
- What could your anchors be in opinion-threatening situations?
- How could you see this making a practical difference?
