I’ve been reflecting on 2 recent workplace conversations I’ve had.
The first was when a colleague mentioned something that was difficult for her. It wasn’t related to the work matter we were discussing. I remember briefly mentally pausing and thinking: “We are running out of time”. I ploughed on with the work matter.
The second was when I was talking to another colleague. We were discussing work and I mentioned something that I was finding difficult. It was directly related - or so I thought. My colleague just said: “Right, well…” and carried on as if I hadn’t said it.
It’s got me thinking about the role empathy plays in feeling connected at work. Empathy can be defined in different ways but according to the Oxford Dictionary, empathy is “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.”
Empathy isn’t just for personal relationships. Empathy is getting more attention in the workplace because of the positive impact it can have. According to one expert, when people feel connected to their colleagues and to their leaders, they work harder, faster, and more creatively.
We are giving empathy attention now because we have noticed it’s missing. Historically, empathy has been on the wane in society and people are feeling increasingly disconnected.
I found that second conversation discouraging. Why? With the current working from home arrangements, I’ve noticed that a lot of my interactions with colleagues are more transactional. So I’ve begun to feel disconnected in a workplace I care about. That then becomes a drain on my mental fitness and so I have less energy for connection and less resources to cope when efforts I make to connect are overlooked.
I wonder what my colleague in the first conversation felt at that moment. It would depend on how invested they are in that workplace. And also their level of mental fitness.
Some common misconceptions
Here’s how one expert addresses some common misconceptions when it comes to empathy in the workplace:
“Isn’t empathy just being soft?”. Actually, no.“In fact, the kindest and most empathic thing that you can do for somebody is tell them what they need to hear to grow.”
“I’m just not an empathetic person”. The good news is, empathy can be learned. The perhaps less good news is, like any skill, it requires habitual practice.
“I don’t have time for it”. One of the biggest challenges to empathy is time - because empathy takes time. In the quest to be efficient, we sacrifice empathy, which in the larger scheme of things is actually counter-productive. I wonder whether efficiency railroaded empathy in those two conversations I mentioned at the start.
“I can’t show empathy in my workplace”. This could be an accurate observation rather than a misconception. Workplace cultures that are cynical or polarised make showing empathy feel unsafe. Empathy both needs and creates psychological safety - it is a tricky circular loop.
“Showing empathy is always exhausting”. Empathy can be exhausting when we are feeling overwhelmed ourselves - or when we misunderstand what empathy is. Empathy isn’t about taking on someone else’s pain. Sharing the feelings of others doesn’t mean we live those feelings. We can be there for people, express genuine concern and know and respect it is their pain burden to carry.
Practicing empathy
What does empathy look like in conversation?
As this expert says: “Empathy comes not from the things we say but from the questions we ask and the way that we pay attention.”
The questions we ask
This comes down to simple things like:
- Being an active listener and asking follow up questions
- Noticing biases that prevent us asking questions
- Being curious rather than making assumptions
The way we pay attention
Empathy requires some sort of responsiveness otherwise it is interpreted as disingenuous, according to this study. So it’s not enough to ask about people’s concerns, hear them out, and then do nothing about it, when certain things lie in our control or influence.
Empathy and our personal values
As this expert says:
“It’s really important to be mindful of the way our empathy is directing us and whether it lines up with our values. Most of the time, it does. But during these moments when we see it guiding us in other directions, there are two things we can do.
One is to try to make decisions, especially moral decisions, from a logical place. To try to reason out, “What is the right thing to do here?” And if the right thing doesn’t match up with our emotions, consider doing it anyway.
The second is to try to broaden our empathy. If you find yourself caring for one of your colleagues more than the other, try to spend more time with the other one.”
I’m assuming here that what is challenging one’s behaviours are personal values that include equity and fairness.
For me, one of my personal values is efficiency. As a follower of Jesus, I’d want my faith position to shape how I think about and exercise efficiency.
While efficiency is a good thing in and of itself, as a follower of Jesus, the priority is to love others. Love isn’t some mushy feeling, but rather acting in the best interests of others. Jesus says: “Love God with all your heart and mind and soul and strength and love your neighbour as yourself” [Mark 12:28-31]. Acting in the best interests of others isn’t always efficient.
In imitation of the one they follow, followers of Jesus should be characterised by “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control [Galatians 5:22]. Kindness here is interesting. If empathy is the experience, then kindness is the action.
Efficiency might not be one of your personal values. However it’s interesting to consider what pressure efficiency applies to our personal values since efficiency is highly prized in our culture today.
Next steps to end those two conversations well
How can I act in the best interests of others and show kindness to end these conversations well?
In regards to the first conversation, I can reach out and let them know that I noticed they were sharing something difficult. I can ask them if they have the support they need to work through that difficulty (which might not be me).
In regards to the second conversation, I can let my colleague know that I’ve observed a pattern (not a one-off occasion) whereby I express difficulties at times but they are overlooked. I can suggest that perhaps the simple remedy is more time. It will be a hard conversation to have because I don’t like upsetting people. And I’m not expecting things to change (although it would be nice if they did). I would bring it up because that’s me taking the initiative to connect.
I think I would also want to step back and ask myself the bigger questions around what healthy investment and engagement in my workplace looks like, and what I can do that would be helpful for improving my mental fitness. These things will help me in other conversations moving forward.
Discussion Questions
- How connected do you feel in your workplace?
- How has your understanding of empathy shifted?
- Can you think of situations where empathy (or lack of empathy) is guiding you in different directions to your personal values?
- “Empathy takes time”. How will you create that time?
- Practically, what would you like to work on to bring more empathy into workplace conversations?
